


On Frosted Quilt

by tuanpark



Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort (Minimal), Idols, M/M, Mentions of Woojin's departure, Rated T because Chan sleeps shirtless, Winter, idk how to tag it lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22461901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuanpark/pseuds/tuanpark
Summary: “So why did you want to have breakfast here today?” Chan asks through a mouthful of pastries, his feet tapping against Seungmin’s under the table.“Just wanted to make good on that promise of eating out with each other,” Seungmin shrugs, indulging his leader and his game of footsies.Or Seungmin and Chan are the lonely souls of Stray Kids and find comfort in each other's presence during the cold, winter nights.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Kim Seungmin, Bang Chan/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 39
Kudos: 270





	On Frosted Quilt

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy!
> 
> SeungChan is currently taking over my heart. And while looking for fics to read, I noticed that there are barely any fics! So I decided to water the SeungChan tag. This fic is winter/snow themed. I hope y'all like it!
> 
> Kudos and Comments are very, very, very much appreciated.
> 
> Follow my Twitter: @[m0rkjin](https://twitter.com/m0rkjin). Let's be moots or something! :D
> 
>  **Disclaimer** : I don't own any of the characters, and all the scenes written are purely fiction.

> _though skin may decompose from winter's might,  
> _ _long as i breathe, i'll know that spring's in sight_

It’s not something that Seungmin notices immediately. If anything, the feeling of being an outsider was gradual like snowfall accumulating on the ground. He’s not one to partake in pity parties, nor is he one to take pity on himself, but the shift in Stray Kids’ relationships that came after Woojin’s recent departure was slowly becoming too suffocating for him to bear.

Even now, he’s not a fan of talking about it. Then again, none of their members are. It’s not until a dinner in December does Seungmin see the somewhat giant gap between him and the other members. It’s been a while since their schedules lined up well enough for all but one of them to have dinner in the same place at the same time without a camera. 

Chan was still at the studio working on their next album, which left Seungmin and the others in the apartment. The food had arrived minutes ago. As usual, Jisung and Minho cling to each other while Felix continues his ever-present fixation on Changbin. And while Seungmin is close to both Hyunjin and Jeongin, the two have been inseparable as of late. Seungmin doesn’t hold it against them, but like this, Seungmin doesn’t have a “closest friend” in Stray Kids. And when Jeongin and Hyunjin burst out in laughter with a joke only the two of them seem to have heard, Seungmin smiles in hopes that he doesn’t look too awkward eating in his quiet space.

They finish dinner quickly, and Seungmin situates himself on the couch with his phone in hand. He scrolls through social media, watching YouTube videos of their performances and trying to decipher what else he could work on for their most recent comeback. He’s so immersed in what he’s doing that time escapes much too quickly, to the point that Hyunjin actually comes up to him and asks if there’s something wrong.

He doesn’t usually sleep late, his members know this, especially his roommate of more than a year now. Seungmin looks up from where he’s at, finding Hyunjin’s figure open towards Seungmin and looking at him with a tight lip and worried brows.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Seungmin chuckles as he says it, patting Hyunjin on the knee when the older scoots closer. “I was just watching our videos and lost track of time. Did you know you do this head whiplash thing in the chorus? I can’t believe you don’t snap your neck doing it.”

“Smooth transition,” Hyunjin snickers before his lips form a sincere smile, ignoring the compliment Seungmin gave to the elder. “As long as you’re okay. You know I’m here for you, right?”

Hyunjin is looking at him with earnest eyes, and Seungmin knows that Hyunjin means what he says. And while Seungmin is the type to confront people so they can talk in a civilized manner, there’s something about showing weakness to Hyunjin specifically that has Seungmin restraining himself from blurting out his current emotional turmoil.

“I’m good, honest,” Seungmin assures him. “I really did just lose track of time.”

Hyunjin watches him for a bit and seems to find it satisfactory as he gives Seungmin a small nod. “Okay good.”

And then Seungmin is alone in the living room, wondering why exactly he didn’t tell Hyunjin that he was feeling a little left out. Perhaps it’s because it’s Hyunjin, and Hyunjin and Jeongin getting closer to each other and farther away from Seungmin is what’s bothering him. He doesn’t want Hyunjin to feel guilty or retract his affection for the youngest member, but Seungmin doesn’t quite know how to voice out his feeling of friend jealousy without it sounding too needy or offensive.

Instead, he entertains himself by watching more videos on YouTube and fights the urge to open Twitter to catch up on the current news about Stray Kids. Chan told them specifically to stay away from social media (mostly the blue bird app) as it might poison their heads, especially the negative comments about Stray Kids and each member specifically. And though Seungmin is rather strong in the mental department, he’s still hesitant to be too immersed in the inner workings of the K-pop fandom despite how curious he may be.

He spends god knows how long contemplating the pros and cons of having Stay’s opinion. While it’s good to learn about the negative side of things Stray Kids put out for the public to consume, some of the criticism could prove to be not at all constructive and just downright harsh. But still, Seungmin is curious. He’s on the verge of clicking into his Twitter app when the door opens to reveal a rather tired-looking Chan.

“Seungmin,” the leader says in surprise, lips pursing the way they usually do when Chan doesn’t know what to say. “You’re still up.”

Seungmin looks down at his phone to check the time. It’s just a little after 1:00 am, way past the time Seungmin usually goes to sleep. “Is that really so hard to believe?”

Chan locks the door, shudders out the cold on his thick puffy jacket and turns to look at him with a cocked eyebrow and skin pale as snow. “Yes?”

“Touché.”

The older boy relieves himself of his outerwear and messenger bag, placing them on one of the chairs before going plopping down right next to Seungmin and covering his eyes.

“Well, you look lively,” Seungmin comments as he faces Chan.

Chan laughs, though it’s void of any real energy. Is it even considered a laugh?

“Honestly, you look exhausted,” Seungmin frowns. “Have you even eaten dinner yet?”

Chan shakes his head, hands still sheltering his eyes. Seungmin and Chan don’t talk the most, and he supposes that’s both of their faults. And while Seungmin and Chan are only three years apart, their leader-member relationship also inhibits them from making the deepest connection. It’s simply easier to talk to others who are closer to their age, Seungmin with Jeongin and all of the others born in 2000, and Chan with Minho, Changbin, and Woojin.

Who, now that Seungmin has thought about, Chan hadn’t really opened up about. He supposes Chan doesn’t need to give them an explanation of how Woojin’s departure made him feel, but thinking about it now, Seungmin assumes Chan must feel a lot lonelier now that the person who shouldered his burden for being the eldest and keeping the younger members in line is gone.

This thought makes Seungmin a lot sympathetic to the leader.

“Do you want me to make you anything? I can heat up some stuff in the microwave,” Seungmin suggests, watching the older where he’s sat. 

Chan peeks at Seungmin through the spaces between his fingers, mouth forming a small pout before nodding. “I would really appreciate that. If it’s no trouble at all.”

There’s a tiredness in his voice and posture that doesn’t seem to be just physical, and while Seungmin wants to ask, he also doesn’t want to bother Chan with these little talks. The elder must have a lot on his mind and not a lot of time. Also Seungmin is pretty intimidated, so hopefully a dinner is enough for now.

“Of course it’s no trouble,” Seungmin gives him a reassuring smile and a pat on the thigh before going to the kitchen to prepare. He boils some water in the electric heater and pulls out a bowl of ramyeon from one of the cupboards. He also takes some jokbal and sausages, putting them on a plate before heating them in the microwave. When the ramyeon and the meat is finished, he brings them to Chan who looks to have passed out on the couch in the few minutes that Seungmin was gone.

Seungmin places the food on the coffee table before sitting down next to Chan. This leader, really. Agreeing to Seungmin making him dinner only to fall asleep on him. Seungmin wonders if he should wake him up. While yes, Chan needs some sleep, he probably also needs sustenance. Who knows how long Chan locked himself in the studio without anything to eat. It’s this thought that has Seungmin shaking Chan awake.

“Hey,” Seungmin whispers, poking Chan on the thigh. “Wake up.”

When poking Chan a couple more times on the thigh, pinching his cheeks, and scratching his nose all prove to be ineffective ways of rousing him, Seungmin resorts to tickling him all over the sides. This seems to get him at least a bit conscious, it looks like. Chan’s lips quiver and his hands fight off Seungmin’s offending ones on their own. And Seungmin is winning until Chan, who seems a little more awake now, takes both of Seungmin’s hands, locks them with one of his own, and pulls the younger to his side with his free arm.

“No fair,” Seungmin puffs out. “You work out.”

“Maybe you should work out too then,” Chan says groggily.

“Not my style.”

“Not my problem.”

“And I graciously make you food only for you to fall asleep. What’s with that?” Seungmin fake pouts, though he’s not even sure that the elder could even see it.

“Two more minutes,” Chan answers, wrapping his arms around the younger like a koala on a tree. “It’s warm like this.”

It truly is warm. Chan also must have been walking in the cold, considering it’s already past 1:00 am and it’s winter for crying out loud. Good thing Seungmin made him something with hot soup. Good thinking, Minnie. 

Seungmin is shaken out of his thoughts when Chan starts rubbing Seungmin’s upper arm with his free hand. The younger tenses for a quick second before relaxing. Chan’s fingers are _freezing_. And while Seungmin wants to untangle himself from his icy touch and this impromptu cuddle session, he figures it’s good for both of them. Chan needs the warmth, and Seungmin needs the physical affection at the moment.

“I’m surprised,” Chan admits in a low voice, and the way Seungmin is now, with his ears up against the older’s chest, enables him to feel the deep rumble of Chan’s words rather than hear it.

“By what?”

“You’re not prying my hands off like you usually do,” Chan says.

That’s true. Chan has a habit of hanging onto Seungmin like a baby monkey or giving him more physical affection than he does the rest of the members (other than Jeongin), and Seungmin is usually adamant in trying to get away from it.

“I’m too tired to try to escape. Also, you’re right, it’s warm.” Seungmin sniffs. That’s more for Chan’s sake than his own, though Seungmin isn’t going to admit that. “Now eat instead of letting my culinary efforts go to waste.”

Seungmin finds out that Chan snickers with his whole chest.

“Yes, sir!”

***

The next time this happens again is three days later or something like that. Honestly, the days blend and bleed into each other, with a schedule as hectic as theirs.

Changbin is out with Jisung for the night. Seungmin checks up on Minho, pulling his bed curtain to the side for a second, before making a funny face and slowly retracting himself from Minho’s whispered mocking. He takes one look at Hyunjin and Jeongin watching a video on the younger’s phone, huddled on the other bottom bunk like a couple of puppies, and Seungmin figures that they’d be his last resort. Seungmin picks up his book from the bedside table and waddles out to the living room. He finds Felix on the couch playing with his Nintendo Switch, his bright hair sticking up in rather odd places.

Seungmin settles himself on the far side of the couch, resting his feet on Felix’s lap.

“Mind if I read here?” Seungmin asks, opening his book to where he slipped the marker.

“Not at all,” Felix answers, smiling. He does it without looking away from his console. Seungmin chuckles before he dives into the blossoming love between Elio and Oliver. He’s around thirty pages farther when Jisung and Changbin come barging in the door to announce their arrival. It’s around forty when Felix leaves his side to go eat and brush his teeth. He’s reading the same line over and over, like a broken record on repeat when he feels his eyes wanting to close from being overworked.

That’s the last thing Seungmin remembers before he’s being shaken awake by Chan. The older’s hair falls in soft waves, dark as his eyes and dancing as if there’s a draft in their too-small apartment. His face is close enough to Seungmin’s that if Seungmin’s eyes weren’t blurry with sleep, he’s certain he could count all of Chan’s lashes and then some.

“You awake?” Seungmin fights the urge to shiver at how he could feel Chan’s breath near his cheeks.

Seungmin nods and sits up, rubbing the wetness out of his eyes as he yawns.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep in the living room like this,” Seungmin croaks. His voice feels rough like he swallowed spoonfuls of sand.

“It’s okay, no need to apologize,” Chan assures, beaming from where he’s knelt. “Have you had anything to eat yet? Or are you ready for bed?”

Seungmin licks his too-chapped lips. “You know I don’t eat after midnight.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Chan rolls his eyes, placing a hand on Seungmin’s knee that feels entirely too cold. Why is Chan always so cold? “You can eat after midnight once in a while, you know. Nobody’s going to look down on you for it.”

Seungmin tosses the idea in his head. He’s not usually the type to eat late or stay up. Nor is he the kind of guy who slacks off and sleeps in, but Seungmin is verging on two strikes in the last how many days. While it’s very unlike him, he supposes he could do it once in a blue moon so long as it doesn’t become a habit.

“Okay, you convinced me,” Seungmin replies with a tight lip. “I’ll be rebellious today and eat after hours only on the condition that you make me food this time.”

This makes Chan snicker and ruffle the younger’s head. The action takes Seungmin by surprise, eliciting a startled noise from him. Chan stands up and grins at the younger, messenger bag still on his shoulder it seems, and Seungmin’s astonished face going unnoticed. “Seungmin the Rebel. I like it.”

Chan walks away, and Seungmin has to admit that he misses the feeling of his hair being ruffled much too quickly. He busies himself with his phone, surely a bad idea considering the article he read, outlining how bright screens mess up sleeping schedules and internal clocks when interacted with at night. But he’s a rebel today, so might as well do as rebels do.

When Chan comes back with some meat, rice, and a couple bowls or ramyeon, Seungmin looks at him with confused eyes.

“This is so much,” Seungmin pouts, watching Chan take the seat right next to him.

“Is it?” Chan asks with a hand behind his neck. “I wasn’t really sure how much you usually eat since we don’t really dine together one-on-one, so I figured it’s better to make more rather than less.”

Seungmin blinks. Have they really not gone on a food outing just the two of them? How long have they been members now? They’ve been in the same group for two years, and they still haven’t eaten together?

“I suppose we should change that,” Seungmin suggests. Why he’s suggesting it out of the blue is beyond him, but he thinks they’re due for some bonding time away from the cameras and perhaps the members. Seungmin has noticed that the members are different when alone compared to when together, as if they have an innate need to be rowdier, more explosive, more _interesting_. And it’s not as if Seungmin doesn’t like how his members act together, he firmly believes that bonding alone is just as important as, if not more than, bonding as a whole team.

Also, he gets to see different sides of his members when they’re alone. Like how Jeongin is calmer, more open with his feelings but smiles just as much. Or how Hyunjin is an even bigger sucker for physical affection when alone. And how Felix can talk Seungmin’s ear off while Seungmin is content just to listen. But Chan? He doesn’t know what his leader is like away from his members. Perhaps more cuddly like Changbin? Maybe more peaceful like Minho. Or maybe he’s more subdued like Jisung?

“Yes, I think that’s a great idea,” Chan agrees, before jutting his lips and scratching his chin. “Now that I think about it, have we _ever_ eaten alone together?”

Seungmin shrugs. “We’re doing it now, right?”

Chan laughs heartily, and it’s a different sound from the drained laughter he gave a few days ago. “Better late than never, I guess.”

“Exactly.”

Seungmin begins on his food, chowing down the ramyeon in big gulps because apparently it’s been a while since he’s eaten. The broth feels good in his throat, warming him up like a furnace in way that forces him to keep his mouth open and make huffing sounds to stop his tongue from getting burned.

“How are you feeling?” Seungmin pries, trying to find a topic until the soup cools down.

“Feeling like I could use a hug,” Chan snickers to himself. Seungmin snorts. The older always did have a way with words.

“I’m being serious,” Seungmin huffs, stirring the noodles.

“Me too.” Upon making eye contact, Seungmin observes two things. One, Chan looks about as serious as he does during recording time. And two, his uncertain smile pinches his cheek so that his chin dimples are on full display. He looks down at the soup and begins to play with it. “To be honest with you, I’ve been feeling pretty down due to… recent events.”

It’s the most Chan has opened up to him lately, as the two generally have other people to share feelings with. This is new territory for them, so Seungmin treads lightly.

“I’m guessing about…” Seungmin trails off. “I am too.”

With a deep breath, the older boy leans his head back and covers his eyes. It reminds Seungmin of the last time they did this. In just a few seconds, Chan looks as if he’s aged a decade.

“We can talk about it, if you want to,” Seungmin whispers softly. “If it’ll make you feel better.”

The leader drags his fingers down his own face and looks at Seungmin earnestly. His eyes are a little bright despite the low light. There’s a semblance of distress blanketing his face, and Seungmin thinks it doesn’t suit Chan at all.

“He just meant a lot, you know?” Chan manages through heavy breaths. Seungmin scoots closer and lays his head on Chan’s shoulder because the leader’s expressions seem entirely too private for Seungmin to observe. Chan smells of oranges and mint. “He took a huge chunk of the responsibilities. Helped me take care of you guys.”

Seungmin silently agrees. Chan must have taken it the hardest, considering they were the same age and all. They haven’t talked about this since it happened, the most being the necessary procedures and inspirational meetings to keep up team morale. But other than that, Chan has been radio silent about it.

“He was almost like a co-leader,” The elder continues before laughing softly at himself and shaking it all off. Seungmin doesn’t cry, and neither does Chan. They’ve done too much of that in the two weeks when it was still fresh. Chan slaps Seungmin’s thigh lightly. “Enough about me. How are you? How’ve you been?”

Seungmin’s about to continue with the topic but decides against it when Chan releases a shaky exhale.

“It’s been lonely,” Seungmin starts. He doesn’t mean to let it go, but as if Seungmin’s mouth is an avalanche, the words don’t stop coming. “I’ve been feeling like the odd one out lately. And while I’m generally comfortable being the lone wolf, it’s kind of taking a toll when things get stressful.”

Chan squeezes Seungmin’s arm, and the younger panics because the elder might have taken what he said the wrong way. He hopes Chan doesn’t think he’s about to quit or something because that’s the farthest thing from Seungmin’s mind. To assure the elder, Seungmin backtracks and explains himself a little more specifically.

“Like, usually Hyunjin would be the person I would talk to, but he’s been busy with Jeongin lately and the other way around,” Seungmin continues tactlessly. Gosh, he doesn’t even know why he’s still going. He feels like he’s just making it worse. “And Felix hangs onto Changbin, and Jisung spends all of his time with Minho, and honestly, I just really miss my best friend.”

Chan readjusts them so that he has both arms around Seungmin’s shoulders. His hold makes the younger feel secure, and Seungmin finds that he can breathe a little easier despite the lack of space between them.

“Believe me when I say that Hyunjin most likely misses you too,” Chan comforts him. “And just because he’s giving Jeongin more love lately doesn’t mean he’s taking any away from you. All that matters is that you two still care deeply about each other.”

Seungmin gulps. It sounds so wise, poetic, exactly the type of thing that Chan likes to touch on during his weekly vlives. And Seungmin is thankful for it.

“You’re right,” the younger smiles.

“Always am,” Chan chuckles, and Seungmin scoffs before pushing Chan’s attempts at cuddles away.

“Gosh, you’re full of yourself,” Seungmin shakes his head.

And because the topic is becoming too heavy for them, he tries to reel it back into a topic that’s a little more surface level.

“Did you get a lot of work done today?” Seungmin asks after swallowing because he doesn’t know the best way to converse with Chan without a script. He starts eating the noodles only to find that they’ve cooled off for a little too long, colder than warm but warmer than room temperature.

“If by a lot you mean none, then yes, yes I did.”

Chan does that crooked smile that he displays to fans to make him seem easy and approachable, and Seungmin feels a little uncomfortable at how awkward they can be with each other.

“That’s alright,” Seungmin consoles him. “You’ve done so much recently already. I suppose you can think of this as some well-needed rest. I’m not the only one who says you need more sleep.”

Chan nods mindlessly as he swallows down a chopstick full of meat and rice. “Is that what they’ve all been saying?”

“You _must_ have known this,” Seungmin nudges him on the elbow. “Everybody knows that you barely sleep.”

Chan tsks. “There’s too much important work to be done for me to spend it doing something trivial like sleeping.”

Seungmin stops his eating midway, his spoon of soup mere centimeters away from his mouth. “You can’t be serious.”

“I’m plenty serious!” Chan laughs, chewing loudly on his noodles. “If I didn’t need to sleep, I wouldn’t ever do it at all.”

“I genuinely believe that you believe that,” Seungmin smiles. Chan lightly punches him on the arm, and Seungmin exaggerates how painful it is by rubbing the offending spot and scrunching his face. And then the night goes by like that, with Chan and Seungmin talking in sarcasm and hushed voices. When Minho comes out to get a glass of water, he spares them a quick glance before shrugging and going on his merry way.

After that, it becomes their _thing_.

They continue their comeback promotions as usual, waking up early to get ready for music shows and such. Their afternoons are generally set for meeting fans or other types of solo shooting.

Whenever Seungmin finishes his schedule in the early evening and Chan completes his late at night, Seungmin waits around the living area until Chan gets back. Some days, to make it seem inconspicuous, he wastes time in his bed before going out to the living room after midnight. He does quite a bit of stuff while he waits. This includes making almost daily entries in his practice journal, jotting down activities he had done to better his skills but also the exercises that he plans to perfect in order to improve himself, and trivial things like cleaning the bathroom or doing the dishes.

He sometimes uses it to slack around, watching videos of whatever YouTube recommends on the side or continue reading the book he had been working on in the past couple of weeks. He takes a fraction of his hours to check up on the members, simply peeking in the doors or curtains to get a glimpse of their faces, if only to make sure they’re still there. 

When none of these feel right, he chooses to close his eyes in bed and listen to his On Repeat playlist on Spotify.

Chan usually arrives past midnight. Half an hour at the earliest, a couple of hours at the latest. Usually. 

The first time he came back past 2:00 am, Seungmin had been fast asleep on the couch with his book balanced open on his face. Chan had gently shaken him awake, smiling softly at Seungmin when the younger opened his eyes. The first thing he had done was apologize, and suffice it to say that Seungmin was well more than shocked. He didn’t realize that getting back way past midnight was something that required an apology, but the leader had done it anyway. Seungmin guessed that saying sorry was a common courtesy of sorts, and he brushed it aside all the same, assuring the elder that it was completely fine and asking if he had eaten at all.

(The answer was always no).

One of the times, Chan got back and Seungmin offered to make him food, to which the elder had answered _only if you give me a hug._

“A hug?” Seungmin replies incredulously. Chan had a habit of speaking nonsense during this time of the night, Seungmin knows this. But a hug? “Why would you want a hug?”

“I missed human interaction, Seungminnie,” Chan answers with a pout, shrugging off his puffy coat and messenger bag. “And your hugs are always really nice and warm. And since you’re wider than Jeongin and narrower than Hyunjin, you’re the perfect fit for me! Won’t you indulge your leader?”

Seungmin rolls his eyes. Oh what the heck? What can it hurt, right? 

The answer to that is Seungmin’s upper body because as soon as Seungmin was close enough for a hug, Chan had immediately locked him in an embrace too strong for Seungmin to wriggle out of.

“Ack,” Seungmin groans, pulling his face away from Chan and being playfully reluctant to the physical affection. “This hug hurts. Let me go!”

As if the words encouraged him, Chan hugs him even tighter, if that’s even possible, and buries his face in Seungmin’s neck while laughing. “Not until you say you love my hugs.”

“Never!” Seungmin half screams, grunting as he tried to shimmy his way out of Chan’s forearms. “Your hugs stink.”

“Seungminnie!” Chan whines as he picked him up, this time pushing his face towards Seungmin close enough for his breath to tickle Seungmin’s chin just as the younger feels his toes leave the ground. “Say it!”

“Okay, okay!” The younger relents, breathing heavily as soon as Chan puts him down. “I don’t have a particular dislike for your hugs.” 

They fall roughly into the couch like a pair of blue-collared workers after a long day of work. Chan still has his arms around Seungmin and Seungmin is still catching his breath when both of their attentions are stolen by a member coming out of their room.

Felix is rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he makes a face at Seungmin and Chan’s unusual positions. “Oh, it’s just you guys. I thought someone was getting murdered.”

Seungmin and Chan have the decency to duck their heads. “Sorry,” they say in unison.

“Didn’t realize we were too loud,” Seungmin winces.

“We didn’t mean to wake you up. Promise!” Chan supplies, crossing his heart with his free hand.

“It’s no biggie,” Felix stretches his arms out as he yawns, a sliver of skin peeking out of his sleepwear. “I wasn’t really asleep yet anyway.”

Seungmin and Chan exchange looks.

“Well in that case, do you want to have dinner with us?” The elder asks, smiling at Felix warmly.

“Right now? Way past midnight?”

“Why not,” Seungmin shrugs. Felix’s jaw drops.

“Who are you and what have you done with our Seungminnie?”

Seungmin gives him a death glare and Felix’s hands immediately go up in the air as he laughs. “Just joking! What are we having?”

Chan and Seungmin make ramyeon again because it’s delicious and is a great way to get Chan warmed up. They also take out kimchi, rice, radishes, and some other pickled vegetables that need to be eaten soon lest they become too old to consume. Throughout the whole ordeal, Seungmin doesn’t ever mention how warm Chan’s breath felt against his neck and chin when they were hugging earlier, despite the fact that it was the only thing that was on his mind until he fell asleep.

During one of their nights, Chan had arrived and made quick work of his outerwear before joining Seungmin at the couch. Seungmin felt rather sluggish that day, much like a snail except without all the slime. Seungmin was about to offer to make food but Chan had beat him to it.

“Since you look like you’ve seen better days-”

“Look who’s talking.”

“-why don’t I make the food tonight?” Chan suggests, arms and feet already around Seungmin’s body like he was tree-hugger and the younger was a tree. “Of course, it doesn’t come without a price.”

Seungmin sighs. It seems whenever Chan does something for Seungmin, there’s a price. This is not how it is with other members, Seungmin has noticed. Not that he was actively observing Chan’s interactions with the other members, pfft no, because that would be creepy. He was simply in the right place at the right time. And Seungmin sees how Chan gives Minho food without batting an eye. Or how he folds Changbin’s sleeves while talking. And how he buys Jeongin water or something to drink without even asking him for a hug or even a kiss on the cheek.

“Ugh, fine. Shoot.”

“Warm my hands for a bit, yeah? It’s a little colder than usual outside. I swear, it feels like a New Ice Age out there.”

Seungmin knows that Chan is exaggerating, and one touch of his cold hands proves that it’s probably not as bad as Chan makes it out to be. His hands are freezing, sure, but they don’t feel any colder than they usually do. And if they do, it has a temperature drop of one degree, two at most.

Seungmin huffs and brings both of his hands to encompass Chan’s and starts rubbing them against the older’s for friction. The leader closes his eyes and makes a contented face, letting out a soft sigh and a hushed, “Yes, that’s the stuff.”

Seungmin doesn’t comment on how Chan’s lips are pursed like they usually are, redder than they have been in the past. Has Chan been biting them lately? He also doesn’t say anything about how his dark hair still falls down his face in gentle waves. His face is as pale as ever, but Seungmin notices how the bags underneath his eyes are darker and deeper than they’ve been in the last couple of weeks. 

Instead, he keeps his attention on warming up Chan’s hands, which upon closer inspection are the tiniest bit smaller than Seungmin’s. This, he can’t keep his mouth shut about.

“Your fingers are shorter than mine,” Seungmin says offhandedly, trying to wear a smirk that feels foreign on his face.

Chan opens one eye and blinks. “And? What’s your point?”

“Big hands means big-” Seungmin wags his brows.

Chan chortles, his whole body shaking with the action. “I hope you’re not insinuating that not only am I smaller than you, but that Felix is the smallest out of all of us.”

Seungmin shuts his lips tights and takes one of his hands to make a show of locking his lips.

“You can’t be serious,” Chan sits up, eyes awake and mouth hanging open like the midday. “So you’ve seen? Felix’s?”

Seungmin shrugs, trying to be as coy as possible.

“No way,” Chan shakes his head, scooting even closer to inspect Seungmin’s face for any signs of lying. “I don’t believe you.”

Seungmin bites his lip and arches an eyebrow.

“Really?” Chan asks as he stares at him dumbfounded. His eyes are darker and fuller than usual as he stalks ever closer to examine Seungmin. When he gets much too close, Seungmin bursts out in laughter.

“I’m just kidding,” Seungmin doubles over, both hands covering his stomach as he falls back into the couch. “You should have seen your reaction.”

Chan does a facepalm and joins him after, arm going around Seungmin’s chest casually as he puts his chin on Seungmin. “I knew you were lying.”

“Sure you did,” Seungmin deadpans.

“You would never intentionally compare members with another member,” Chan chuckles weirdly before straightening his face. “I mean, right?”

When Seungmin looks down, it’s to see Chan’s expression all open and exposed and genuinely inquisitive. The younger can’t help but gulp, an invisible weight settling heavy on his chest. He hasn’t told any of their members about his sexual orientation other than Jeongin and Hyunjin, and while he’s positive that Chan is open-minded, there’s always the possibility that friends can react rather negatively to sexual orientations divergent from the norm. Though there’s something about the way the older is watching him, intent and searching, curious like a magpie. Seungmin just hopes he’s not as easily scared as one.

“I haven’t,” Seungmin admits gently. He tries to choose his words wisely so that they don’t come off wrong. “Though if I were given a chance and it was consensual, then why not?”

Chan blinks up at him, mouth open and gaze firm and deep, but he stays silent.

Seungmin shrugs, heart threatening to beat out of his chest, and adds, “Would that be so wrong?”

***

There seems to be a shift in their relationship after that, though Seungmin still can’t decide if it’s for better or for worse.

He wakes up the next day with Chan’s response still making circles in his brain.

_I guess not._

Seungmin doesn’t know what that means. Is Chan implying that it _could_ be wrong? The answer, while isn’t outright homophobic, also isn’t as open-minded as Seungmin presumed. And if so, which part of it would be wrong? The intention in comparing? Or the explicit act of it? If neither, then is it the fact that the comparison in theory was done between Stray Kids’ members or members of the same sex?

Seungmin wanted to ask Chan the night before, but the elder had sighed and excused himself to start on making food, explaining to Seungmin that his hands were plenty warm now. Seungmin had completely forgotten that the reason they even verged on that topic was because of his outlandish comment about the difference in lengths between their fingers.

When they make eye contact during breakfast, with Chan coming to the kitchen freshly showered and Seungmin already sitting down with his bowl of eggs and sausages, the older gives him an uncertain smile.

As if an act of truce, Seungmin returns it kindly. And just like that, Chan is grabbing himself a bowl of milk and cereal and plopping down next to Seungmin, wet hair and towel slung over his shoulders and all, despite the fact that there were open seats next to Minho and Changbin.

“Sleep well?” Chan asks, smiling crookedly at Seungmin. Seungmin has to admit that barefaced Chan under the morning light is a sight to see.

“Like a log,” Seungmin lies easily. And Seungmin is about to distance himself from Chan when the older starts doing things that Seungmin honestly didn’t expect. The leader places his free hand casually on Seungmin’s thigh, massaging it or patting it naturally as if they’d been doing that the last couple of weeks.

 _Maybe they have_ and Seungmin has only now become more aware of it because of Chan’s response the night before. Because he’s more aware of Chan now. Seungmin isn’t certain, nor is he sure about how he feels about it. While he genuinely likes physical affection contrary to the popular belief, he isn’t sure if he likes this touch because it’s a physical act or because Chan is the one performing it.

In any case, Seungmin leaves Chan to what he does.

Except, as days went on, it became increasingly harder not to notice Chan and his snow-soft touch.

It’s nothing big, but all of his actions are enough to warrant an increase in Seungmin’s heartbeat. Kind of like how Chan cuddles him a bit more than usual, even doing so in front of the camera.

It was before the pre-recording for a music festival, where Seungmin was styled as a vampire and Chan was dressed as the turned.

“Grab me like this,” Chan suggests, snaking an arm around Seungmin’s neck as if to put him in a chokehold. “And then you can bare your teeth as if you’re about to bite me like so.”

And then Chan places his teeth on the fleshy part that connects Seungmin’s ear to his shoulder, the edges of his incisors sharp, a little wet, and a lot ticklish. Seungmin scrunches his neck, squeaking as he does so, not expecting Chan to actually graze his teeth on his neck.

Chan pulls off with a deep laugh, chest rumbling from the action. “Your turn.”

Seungmin swiftly switches position, spinning himself and grabbing Chan in that chokehold manner that the older demonstrated.

“Like this?” Seungmin questions, breathing out into Chan’s nape.

Seungmin glances down at the two dots of red on Chan’s rather pale neck. He’s never truly wanted to bite anyone before, but looking at how the scarlet make-up is a stark contrast on the older boy’s flawless skin, Seungmin finds himself curious as to how it would feel to sink his teeth into the leader’s neck. It’s a foreign thought, unfamiliar but not unwelcome.

Chan nods, giving Seungmin better access. And the situation is much too intimate until Jisung barges in the waiting room, doing a double-take before grinning at the unusual pair.

“You guys are weird.”

“You’re one to talk,” Seungmin scoffs, quickly stepping back to put some distance between himself and his leader. “Leave us to practice, yeah?”

Jisung shrugs and walks away, watching intently whatever was playing on his phone.

They perform just as they practiced, showcasing it in an skz talker video before performing it onstage. Chan even amps it up somewhere in between, getting touchier with Seungmin during one of the breaks in the recording.

Seungmin is chilling on the couch where the performers are supposed to wait when Chan tackles him from the side and into the sofa, taking the younger by surprise as the leader laughs at the action. Seungmin knows that there must be cameras pointed at them and tries his best to keep his composure.

Later on, Seungmin is smiling and waving hello to the fans when Chan goes up behind him and hangs on like an overgrown koala, miming the biting action that Seungmin was supposed to try on him onstage. This gets the fans quite excited, and Seungmin somehow maintains his cool despite how warm Chan’s arms and breath felt around him.

Unfortunately for him and his emotional well-being, the closeness doesn’t stop there. It kind of snowballs actually.

Like how Chan chooses to sit next to or in front of him when there are no seats assigned. This generally ended with Chan’s arm around Seungmin’s shoulders, pulling him close and snug. If not, then his hand resting on some part of Seungmin’s person. Or how he seems to be more active trying to steal a cheek kiss from Seungmin, not that he hasn’t tried before, but he’s utilizing more of his strength in his attempts now.

It all makes Seungmin scatterbrained.

Take their time off on a weekend for example.

Like they promised, Seungmin and Chan ended up spending time outside and away from other members during a Saturday morning. They usually use the weekend to recuperate, and eating out alone for breakfast is rather relaxing when done at the company’s café.

“So why did you want to have breakfast here today?” Chan asks through a mouthful of pastries, his feet tapping against Seungmin’s under the table.

“Just wanted to make good on that promise of eating out with each other,” Seungmin shrugs, indulging his leader and his game of footsies. The next couple of hours go by in a blur of laughter, smiles, and a little bit of good-natured banter.

The next time Seungmin finishes his schedule early and Chan late, he sends him multiple messages. The first asking when he’ll be coming home.

_[1:43]  
Seungmin: Hyung! What time does your schedule end?_

And because Chan doesn’t reply or doesn’t see, Seungmin sends another.

_[2:18]  
Seungmin: Hyung, have you eaten yet?_

And since Seungmin is a tad too exhausted than usual, he figures missing one day of their little talks should be fine.

_[2:35]  
Seungmin: Hyung, I’m totally worn out today so I can’t stay up for you. But I cooked some meat! It’s on the stove. Hopefully, it’s still hot when you get back! Night_

Seungmin goes to bed not long after, dozing off as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He dreams of wavy hair, a dimpled chin, and someone kissing his forehead.

***

They’re returning to the apartment from a music show when Hyunjin gets a little needy. Right after finishing a vlive in the van, Hyunjin sidles up close next to Seungmin where they’re seated in the back of the van.

“Seungminnie,” Hyunjin starts, linking arms with the younger and setting his head on the crook of Seungmin’s neck.

Seungmin hums in reply.

“Don’t you think you’ve been a little cold to me lately?” Hyunjin asks cutely. Seungmin’s about to snicker, assuming that Hyunjin was simply playing a joke on him, but when he glances down to check the older’s expression, it’s to see Hyunjin pouting and looking serious despite the adorable tone he used. _Has_ Seungmin been cold to Hyunjin lately?

“And before you disagree, I’d just like to say that we haven’t hung out much in the last couple of weeks,” Hyunjin points out. Seungmin is about to interject and provide examples of their recent outings, except when he got to thinking about it, he couldn’t come up with any recent ones. “Or the last month, for that matter. I barely even see you in bed anymore.”

Seungmin ducks. “Well, I’ve been staying up to… to watch our performance videos so I could figure out what I need to work on.”

It’s not a lie, even if there is a more important reason.

“And to spend time with Chan,” Hyunjin adds quietly, squeezing Seungmin’s arms. The sentence splashes him like ice water, and Seungmin doesn’t say anything for a while. He’s not sure why he suddenly feels protective of his bonding time with the leader, only that it doesn’t feel right to talk to Hyunjin about it. However, not talking to Hyunjin will prove to be counterintuitive with the topic they’re currently grazing, so the younger has no choice but to continue.

“And to spend time with Chan,” Seungmin repeats reluctantly. “He gets home from the studio pretty late. Did you know he doesn’t eat dinner while he works on songs? I just wanted to make sure he gets some sustenance when he comes back.”

Seungmin doesn’t know why he’s trying to provide excuses as to why he stays up to see Chan, just thought that it felt right to do so.

“I also hear you guys laughing sometimes,” Hyunjin nods, and there’s a hint of longing there that Seungmin hasn’t heard in Hyunjin’s tone in a long time. “I guess what I’m saying is that I miss you.”

And there it is, just like Chan told him before. It seems that the elder was correct in assuming that Seungmin wasn’t the only one who felt the distance growing between them. It’s a bittersweet thing, finding it out, because even though Seungmin is relieved to know that the feeling is mutual, it also solidifies the fact that they truly are growing apart. It makes the distance more real, almost tangible, and Seungmin finds that he doesn’t like this feeling at all.

“Well in that case, why don’t we go do something tonight when we get back,” Seungmin suggests, hand coming up to scratch Hyunjin on the chin. “Do you wanna go to that tteokbokki place a couple of blocks down from the dorm?”

Hyunjin nods eagerly, hair bouncing along with the action. And for that second, it felt almost as if all was right with the world.

They spend a good amount of time eating and talking, cracking jokes that they haven’t made in each other’s presence in a while. It’s so easy to fall back into that closeness they had, the intimacy one possesses with their best friend. It’s so natural that Seungmin thinks he understands now what Chan means, that it doesn’t matter who’s close with who or if they don’t talk every day. Love is infinite, and just because Hyunjin began to give more love to another person, that doesn’t mean he took away the love he has for Seungmin. All that’s important is that when they do talk or hang again, they’re still the same people and that they’re there for each other.

Seungmin is laughing at a particularly funny joke when they open the door to the apartment. It’s late, but not so late that there wouldn’t be anybody up. In fact, both Changbin and Chan are still in the living room talking quietly.

“Where have you two been?” Changbin asks the younger ones when they shuck off their outerwear.

“Just catching up,” Hyunjin replies. Seungmin’s eyes involuntarily catch Chan’s, and Seungmin sees a weird expression there. But it flashes by so quickly that it looks as if it hadn’t been there at all.

“Hanging out without inviting me?” Changbin says dramatically, hands on his heart. “I’m hurt. Truly.”

Seungmin rolls his eyes as Hyunjin tuts and makes a beeline for their bedroom, Changbin hot on his tail with grabby hands and a whiny voice calling the younger’s name.

“Hyunjinniiieeeeee~”

Chan snickers and shakes his head, Seungmin doing the same as he takes a seat next to the elder.

“So, I take it you two have made up? Or whatever?” Chan asks conversationally, using a voice an octave lower than he usually does with Seungmin.

Seungmin nods his head, eyes crinkling. “Is it that obvious?”

“Well, let me see. You two were gone all night, and now you’re back with a smile that looks more genuine than the one you’ve worn the last couple of weeks,” Chan answers, wearing a smirk that doesn’t look quite right on his face as he pinches his thumb and forefinger together. “Just a little obvious.”

Seungmin snorts as he tackles Chan into a cuddle. “Well, your words and advice were really helpful, so I guess I have you to thank for that.”

“Just fulfilling my role as the favorite hyung,” Chan declares softly, hands coming up to play with Seungmin’s hair.

Seungmin scoffs, looking up at Chan. “You think you’re my favorite?”

“Am I not?” Chan asks, looking offended and sounding a little different. “It definitely isn’t Minho, so it’s between me and Changbin. And I doubt you prefer his aegyo over my normal, not aegyo-ridden company.”

Seungmin giggles. Chan has Seungmin cornered, but Seungmin’s going to have to go suffer first before he gives Chan the satisfaction he obviously craves. “I like you all equally! _Even Minho_.”

***

Seungmin mentioned earlier that Chan’s affection for him was snowballing. However, like all snowballs, they reach their destination they explode on impact. Honestly, Seungmin should have seen it coming, if he considered the way Chan would gradually distance himself from him after that night.

It starts with the fact that during breakfast time, Chan either sits next to someone who decidedly isn’t Seungmin or chooses to forego the meal wholly with the excuse that he already ate. Seungmin doesn’t think it unusual the first two days, but after a whole week without the steady presence of Chan’s hand on his shoulder or thigh, Seungmin begins to get irrationally irritated.

It goes without saying that when Chan stays at the studio late (which is becoming more and more frequent), Seungmin would wait up. The first night he doesn’t come back on purpose, Seungmin lets it pass by assuring himself that Chan must have a lot to work on seeing as they’re going to have _yet another_ comeback. The first night he doesn’t come back on purpose, Seungmin finds that time passes by in an excruciatingly slow manner. The first night he doesn’t come back on purpose goes like this.

Seungmin is reading in the common area while Jeongin is scrolling through his phone. He’s using Jeongin as a pillow because the younger’s lap is comfy, and Seungmin wants to push his buttons just enough without making him break. It’s almost like hitting two birds with one stone.

“My legs are falling asleep,” Jeongin comments offhandedly. The way he says it makes Seungmin believe otherwise. Seungmin isn’t saying that Jeongin is a chronic liar, but he also isn’t saying that Jeongin isn’t one.

“Your legs, your problem,” Seungmin retorts, flipping to the next page casually. They yap at each other until Jeongin gets too tired, yawning like a Chihuahua before heading to bed with his phone glued to his hand.

“Seungmin,” Minho calls from the kitchen when it’s just the two of them left. “Do you mind helping me with this for a second?”

 _This_ apparently pertains to drying the dishes that Minho washes. Seungmin finds doing this completely redundant seeing as there’s a drying rack just inches from the elder, but Seungmin’s not about to tell Minho that. Though Minho doesn’t retaliate in any physical sense, his words sting more than most wounds do.

The running water serves as a cushion for them, a way to ease them into the conversation without diving in too quickly or too deep. Minho whistles an unfamiliar tune to fill in the gaps in silence that the water can’t. And then the older boy asks a question that Seungmin figured was the last thing he’d want to talk about.

“So what’s up with you and Chan?”

Seungmin almost drops the plate he’s wiping dry. Almost.

“Why would you think anything’s up?” Seungmin laughs tensely, hoping that the heat he feels inching up his cheeks would dissipate quickly. “Nothing’s up. I’m cool. He’s cool. We’re, uhm, cool.”

Minho side-eyes him teasingly. “I see that.”

Seungmin swallows. What is even going on between them? Hyunjin has mentioned Chan to him as well. Is it truly weird that they’re spending more time together now? They’re members of the same K-Pop group after all, so it really shouldn’t even be a big deal. And yet, Hyunjin’s words and Minho’s suspicions feel like an echo of what's been ringing inside Seungmin’s head.

“I swear. Nothing’s up.”

Minho leers at him, with eyes more feline than human, and Seungmin feels like he’s being prodded by Minho’s invisible needles. And then his face smooths down to his regular, blasé expression. “Alright.”

Seungmin releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“Well, I’m just glad Chan has someone to talk to, you know?” Minho continues, sponge pressed hard against the plate with a stain that looks particularly difficult to scrub off. “I think he took it the hardest out of all of us, you know.”

Seungmin doesn’t even have to ask to know what, or rather who, Minho is referring to.

“Yeah. He did,” Seungmin agrees because he’s heard first-hand what went on through Chan’s head after it all happened. Seungmin supposes that what Chan shared with him was probably just the tip of the iceberg, if that.

They don’t stop conversing, but they do stop talking about Chan because the topic hits a little too close to home. And when Seungmin finishes helping Minho, he doesn’t say thank you, not that he needs to. Instead, he tells Seungmin that there’s some sashimi chilling in the fridge and that he should help himself if he’s hungry.

Seungmin turns on the TV and flips the channel to the news. It’s a good way to pass time, taking in information about the current events occurring locally, nationally, and around the world. And after what feels like hours of waiting, his eyes wander to the clock only to see that it’s only been 45 minutes since Minho resigned back to their shared bedroom.

Time has an aggravating habit of passing by at snail speed when Seungmin is waiting for something. In this case, for someone. He tries reading his book once more but finds it difficult, almost as if he’s reading in a foreign language, or worse, a calculus textbook.

There’s an itch building up around Seungmin’s fingers, making them twitch with the need to- to- to _do something_. And as if trying to showcase itself, his phone blinks with a notification from Instagram. However, instead of going to the social media app, Seungmin’s fingers scroll to the messaging app of their own accord.

His hand hovers over Chan’s name for a short second before he clicks it and starts typing.

_[1:48]  
Seungmin: Hyung! Have you eaten yet?_

Seungmin bites his lips. Did that text seem a bit too over eager? Perhaps. Seungmin attempts to keep his attention on the television until he feels the need to send another message, as if his phone was magnet and Seungmin’s fingers were made of metal.

_[2:05]  
Seungmin: Want some sashimi tonight? Minho hyung is willing to share. :)_

He can’t help but shake his head. Was the smiley face a little too much? It should be fine. After all, if Seungmin’s words were transcribed, he’s positive that each sentence will end with an emoji of some sort.

When too much time passes, Seungmin supposes that maybe Chan lack of answer means that he doesn’t want sashimi tonight. They’ve always done ramyeon alongside some sort of meat, usually beef or pork. Chicken too. Is Chan not a big fan of seafood? Seungmin isn’t certain, so he ends up texting Chan again. Just because.

_[2:33]  
Seungmin: Or we could do ramyeon again. Ramyeon’s always good._

After accepting that Chan isn’t going to text back tonight, Seungmin tells himself that Chan simply has a lot to do. He must be so focused in his work that he doesn’t even see Seungmin’s text messages. With a sigh, he sends one last message to the leader before doing his nightly skincare routine and retiring to bed.

_[3:00]  
Seungmin: Come back soon. Good night, hyung._

The next night is much of the same.

This time, Felix is the one who stays with him for a while, playing some sort of game on his phone that Seungmin fails to understand. Instead, he focuses on the book on his hands. Though it’s paperback, it’s difficult to hold it up while he reads, as if his hands are refusing him. It’s like his brain has sent an announcement text message, an e-mail, a twitter mention, and voicemail demanding that all parts of Seungmin’s body to stop reading. He scans the same page over and over, and they don’t seem to want to stick to his brain. Right now they’re just words. They hold no meaning.

Seungmin leans back into the couch and releases a heavy sigh. A throat clears from somewhere in the general vicinity.

“If it’s getting difficult to read, maybe you should sleep,” Felix suggests with a smile that’s too angelic for Seungmin’s rapidly tiring eyes.

“I’m waiting for something,” Seungmin explains, omitting the fact that the something he’s waiting for is actually a someone, and that someone is a certain Australian built like a tank and racecar all in one.

“Alright, but take care of yourself,” Felix comments, placing a calming hand on Seungmin’s shoulder as he stands up and makes his way to his bedroom. “Don’t stay up too late.”

“Yessir,” Seungmin answers with a salute and everything.

Seungmin opens his book once more, slapping his cheeks a couple of times in hopes that the burn is enough to get him to focus. He doesn’t get too far when someone interrupts his attempt at rereading. That’s okay though. It really wasn’t going anywhere anyway.

“Not turning in for the night?” Changbin joins him shortly after Felix leaves.

“Finishing this book.” Seungmin’s answer is automatic, just as automatic as Seungmin setting down what he was reading in favor of giving Changbin his full attention. Seungmin likes having long talks with Changbin, even if their episode for Two Kids Room made it seem otherwise. For every semblance of truth they reveal to the world, there are hundreds (maybe even thousands) more they have yet to unveil.

“Come give hyung a cuddle,” Changbin requests with arms wide from the other side of the couch. Seungmin makes a show of disdain, grumbling as he crawls his way to the elder. But as soon as Changbin accepts him into the hug, Seungmin feels more content than he has in the last couple of days. It’s both reassuring to the mind and to the body. “Feel better?”

Seungmin snorts. Changbin always has such a roundabout way of showing he cares. That Changbin was observant enough to pick up on Seungmin’s near unnoticeable distress shows just how much of a brotherly role Changbin embodies. It’s heartwarming and pleasant and absolutely what Seungmin needs. Seungmin nods where he’s buried half his face into Changbin’s chest.

The older boy talks _at_ Seungmin. Times like these, when Seungmin’s not feeling his best, Changbin fills in the emptiness that the silence takes up, and the younger feels eternally grateful for it.

He doesn’t mention that the touch feels a little too soft, or that his chest is not the exact width that Seungmin’s head has been getting used to. He doesn’t mention that Changbin’s scent, while still fills Seungmin’s nose with a delightful aroma, doesn’t contain the notes of minty-citrus that Seungmin finds himself longing for. He also doesn’t mention that the reverberation of Changbin’s voice doesn’t have the same deep rumble that brings satisfaction to Seungmin’s ears.

Though this is, Seungmin appreciates Changbin’s presence all the same.

When everyone has gone to bed, Seungmin lags behind and exaggerates the way he tidies up the kitchen and common area. The gratifying feeling of having accomplished a ton of work creeps up on Seungmin, and when sweet exhaustion hits, Seungmin rests his person on the love seat facing the door. Time passes in short bursts as the TV becomes static noise in the background and Seungmin keeps his eyes trained on the door, as if drilling holes on it would magically make Chan come back home faster. Except, no amount of staring forces the door to open. Instead, it just gets Seungmin’s eyes tired and heavy from being overused.

Apparently, glowering at doors are a good sleeping pill.

When he wakes up, Seungmin checks his phone for the time. 3:17 am. With a sigh, he picks himself up from the couch and trudges to his room. The buzz of the hallway lights sounds like mocking whispers. The darkness that settles in the bedroom feels heftier than usual, pressuring him down like gravity. Each step onto the ladder to the top bunk of his shared bed with Hyunjin takes a substantial amount of effort. And when he finally makes it to the top, the blankness of the ceiling seems to be a good representation of how lost he feels.

It takes almost no time before he’s on the verge of sleeping. He thinks he hears the apartment door unlock, but his eyelids feel stuck to each other as do his lips. His bones sink onto the bed like lead on quicksand, and Seungmin is asleep before he even has a chance to move.

Breakfast is an unusual affair, with the members eating in casual silence and Seungmin feeling oddly irritated. Perhaps it’s the fact that Minho locks himself in the bathroom for a good half hour fixing his hair knowing full well that seven other people need to use their shared bathroom. Or maybe it’s that, despite the fact that it’s Felix’s turn to wash the dishes today, he pays the dirty dishes no mind as he deposits his used plate and utensils into the half-full sink.

It could also be because Chan once again refuses to sit next to Seungmin or even acknowledge him for longer than five seconds. Sure, Chan said good morning back to him with a lethargic look on his face, but after the words leave the leader’s mouth, it’s as if Seungmin vanishes from his sight and ceases to exist. It bothers Seungmin like a hangnail that stings when he cards his hands through his hair.

And because Seungmin prides himself for being the most level-headed one in the group now that they’re one member short, it surprises him (and Jisung) when Seungmin half shouts at the other to _stop being so fucking loud_ in the van. The painful silence then settles over the whole vehicle like a thick blanket, and Changbin and Jeongin who were occupying the seats in front of them suddenly find their phones ten times more interesting than before. It was Jisung’s startled expression and shaky breath that slaps Seungmin’s back to his old self.

He apologizes with the most sincerity he can muster, the older boy sighing before giving Seungmin a side hug that feels far too friendly for what just occurred.

“It’s okay,” Jisung whispers as he leans his head on Seungmin’s shoulder. “You’re probably stressed from our schedule. Me too.”

Seungmin doesn’t contradict him. After all, he’s still half right.

It’s during the third night of no leader that Seungmin gets as dejected as he does furious. He doesn’t understand why Chan is avoiding him, but he would at least like a reason why. It’s not like he’d done anything to warrant Chan’s anger. Though knowing the elder, this type of behavior doesn’t seem like it’s stemming from a place of rage.

Perhaps annoyance?

Why would Chan be annoyed with Seungmin though? Unless, he’s starting to find Seungmin’s company irritating? But that can’t be possible. He’s been very honest and genuine about wanting to spend time with Seungmin. Even if he started to think Seungmin was becoming annoying, he wouldn’t just stop hanging with Seungmin full stop. Right?

There’s something that Seungmin is missing, and he wants— _needs_ —to get to the bottom of this before he implodes. It’s with these thoughts in his head does Seungmin repeatedly call Chan and ask him where he is through voicemail and texts. He doesn’t know how many times he’s called or how many missed calls he let go to voicemail. He also doesn’t care that his and Chan’s messages is basically all blue bubbles.

It’s half past three and still no answer when Seungmin decides it’s time to finally go over there and drag Chan by himself, even if he has to do it by the ear. While yes, Seungmin wants to talk to Chan about whatever is going on between them, he’s also worried about how much the elder is overworking himself. An exhausted leader will be no good to anyone. Pulling on his puffy jacket, Seungmin makes the trek to Chan’s workroom.

***

When Seungmin enters the business part of the building, he immediately takes the elevator to the studio floor. The elevator music does nothing to calm his nerves. It’s all too soon when the elevator dings and the doors slide open. With bated breath, he steps out and makes way towards the studio. Before he even gets too close, he can see that the light at the studio is still on. When he takes a peek, it’s to see Chan’s figure sitting on the seat, stock-still and half-hidden in the shadows.

Seungmin feels both relieved and nervous at the same time. Why is it that Chan always makes him feel two different emotions simultaneously?

The doorknob is cold when he twists the door unlocked. As soon as the door opens, Seungmin takes note of Chan’s reaction, or lack thereof. The boy doesn’t move an inch. Squinting, Seungmin notices that Chan is wearing headphones.

Standing inside, he wonders what he should do now. Should he just go up to the older boy and snake his arms around his neck like he’s missed doing? Though on second thought, it might startle Chan and that’s definitely not how he wants their talk to start. Should he call out to Chan? Seungmin frowns. His headphones are most definitely soundproof, so Seungmin scratches that off the list. Should he maybe place a hand on his shoulder? That doesn’t feel right either.

With a sigh, Seungmin approaches Chan and rests his rear and both hands on the studio equipment platform. His back to the recording window, Seungmin greets his leader.

“Don’t you think you’re overworking yourself?”

Seungmin blinks. Chan has his arms crossed, eyes closed and expression relaxed and peaceful. His breathing is also deep and even like a slow swinging metronome, and Seungmin shakes his head. Chan is fast asleep. How can Chan even sleep in what is surely an uncomfortable sitting position.

Kneeling down, he shakes Chan awake. It reminds Seungmin of their first night like this, Chan knocking out while Seungmin made him food. Like before, it proves to be difficult to wake up the elder. Seungmin removes the headphones from Chan’s ears, setting it on the table before taking Chan’s shoulders with both hands and rattling him awake.

Sure enough, the elder’s eyes flutter open, his eyelashes moist with sleep. Seungmin is about to scold him for knocking out like this, but Chan begins to smile. It’s as affectionate as it is sincere, and Seungmin finds his angry words slowly melting away after being on the receiving end of such a tender expression. All his thoughts abandon him when Chan brushes the younger’s cheek with the back of his hand.

Seungmin has to swallow as Chan lets out a soft huff. “Even in my dreams, you look gorgeous.”

Seungmin’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, confused. “What? What are you talking about?”

And then, as if splashed with freezing water, Chan jolts awake and stands up stiffly, the swivel chair rolling back from the action. “S-Seungmin? You’re here? What… Why are- What are you doing here?”

Blinking, Seungmin slowly stands up and clears his throat. “To fetch you, of course.”

Chan cocks his head to the side, brows furrowing. “Why would I need fetching?”

“Why would you need fetching? Why would-” Seungmin replies, his hands tightening into little fists at his sides. “Do you know what time it is?”

The older boy has the sense to look the tiniest bit guilty.

“It was past 3:30 am when I left our dorm, and obviously, I wanted to make sure something terrible didn’t happen to you.”

Chan laughs without humor. “What’s so terrible that could happen to me?”

“I don’t know,” Seungmin answers in exasperation. Why is Chan even arguing with him about this? He feels like this decision is plenty rational. “An accident? Locked outside? Maybe you hit your head or something?”

“You could have called instead.”

This time it’s Seungmin’s turn to laugh, and he wonders how he can make such a loud noise when his whole body is experiencing bone-deep exhaustion. “Have you checked your phone?”

The older boy opens his mouth and closes it before he pulls out his mobile from his pocket, eyes widening when he sees the notifications on the screen. “37 text messages, 16 missed calls, and 2 voicemails. Isn’t that a bit much?”

Seungmin doesn’t answer. Did he really call that many times? He sighs and plops onto the little couch in the corner, letting the physical and emotional tiredness press him down to the pillowy seat. He wants to go back to the apartment, wants nothing more than to be at home resting and safe. That’s what he wanted to say. Instead, what comes out is-

“Why haven’t you come back lately?”

Chan stays silent and looks around, glancing at anything that isn’t Seungmin. Seungmin tells himself that he doesn’t mind, but when Chan sits back down onto the swivel chair situated opposite side of the little room, he finds that it stings a little.

“Well, you and Hyunjin have made up right?”

So?

“What does Hyunjin have to do with anything?”

Chan purses his lips and tilts his head down, eyeing Seungmin beneath his lashes before staring at the floor. “I figured you would want to get close again and stuff, so I didn’t want to get in the middle of that.”

 _That’s_ the reason why Chan hasn’t done their meals at night? _This_ is why Chan has been basically avoiding him night and day? Seungmin hears Chan’s knuckles crack, but upon glancing down at his own hands, it’s to see that they’re in fists and were probably the cause of the cracking. He tries to compose himself, even though Chan’s reasoning has gotten Seungmin thoroughly infuriated. When he deems himself calm enough, he stands up and quickly marches towards his leader.

“This is so stupid,” Seungmin declares, carding his fingers through Chan’s natural waves. The older boy closes his eyes at the touch, and the moment holds a feeling of intimacy that they haven’t experienced together in a while. “Why not listen to your own advice? Didn’t you say love is infinite? I can always produce more when necessary.”

Chan blinks up at him, lips still resembling a pout.

“Just because I’ve made up with Hyunjin doesn’t mean I want to stop spending time with you.”

“No,” Chan argues, rising to full height in front of Seungmin. It’s not until now that Seungmin realizes just how much taller he is than his leader. “This is different. The time you spend with Hyunjin and the time I spend with you. They’re not the same.”

“Well, of course they aren’t,” Seungmin pinches the bridge of his nose, agreeing with Chan just because he wants this argument to finish and go back to the apartment and rest. But when Seungmin begins to compare time spent with Chan and time spent with Hyunjin (or any other member for that matter), he realizes they truly are different. Everyone else’s affection makes Seungmin feel happy, but Chan’s touch makes him feel flushed. The members’ presence are a constant warm feeling, but Chan’s presence is dizzying and burning hot. And Seungmin? Seungmin is snow on the verge of melting. “It’s not the same.”

Since the elder is the one who proposed this notion, does that mean that Chan also feels this way? That time spent with Seungmin was somehow _more_? Felt _more_? Seungmin dares to look at Chan, the older boy’s expression unreadable.

Seungmin holds his hands out, fingers splayed and waiting. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

Eyes glancing up and down between Seungmin and his outstretched hand, Chan takes it and goes.

The walk back isn’t far, but Seungmin feels chilly all the same. Time passes in frosty silence, Seungmin a step ahead and basically dragging Chan by the hand. When they finally get back, they try their best to be as quiet as possible. Seungmin doesn’t give a flying frick about the time, doesn’t even want to eat anymore even though his stomach is practically begging for food. All he wants is to go to bed.

Shrugging off their jackets, the two make their way to their shared bedroom. Hyunjin is lightly snoring as Minho sleep talks. Chan climbs onto his bed, discarding his shirt in the process. He sleeps half-naked, and Seungmin has known this fact for so long but didn’t feel particularly embarrassed about it until now. Seungmin is halfway up on the ladder to the leader’s bunk when Chan stops him.

“What are you doing?”

“Wanna sleep next to you,” Seungmin confesses in a whiny voice. Chan cards his hands through his hair, and other than their roommates’ sleeping habits, all Seungmin can hear is the soft rustle of Chan’s blanket and the steady buzz of the fluorescent light from right outside their door.

“I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Chan tries, though there’s no fight in his tone. However, that could be because he’s just as drained as Seungmin feels.

“I miss your scent.”

Seungmin covers his mouth as soon as the words escape him. He hadn’t meant to say that. He wanted to say _I miss you_. And while both statements are true, there’s something a lot more intimate about what actually came out, something far more private and personal. That said, it’s not as if he lied. He also really did miss Chan’s scent. The elder clears his throat at the unexpected declaration.

“Alright, come up,” Chan finally agrees, and his voice sounds as unstable as Seungmin feels.

When Seungmin settles into Chan’s arm, it’s as though everything slots correctly into place. Chan smells of peppermint and lemon and a little bit like boy, and Seungmin correlates this particular aroma with tenderness and comfort. Chan’s heartbeat is strong and fast where Seungmin’s hand is resting, and the younger wonders if Chan can feel how rapidly Seungmin’s heart is beating as well. Seungmin breathes out into Chan’s neck, arms tightening around his leader’s torso as their legs become a tangle of limbs. He feels warm and pleasant like this, situated on the crook of Chan’s arm.

On frosted quilt and pillow clouds of snow, Seungmin falls asleep the quickest he’s done in a while.

When the sunlight filters in, Seungmin feels like death. They must have only slept for 3 hours or less. But upon taking in his surroundings, he finds that he doesn’t care much. Chan is already awake, his chest rising and falling in a calming motion.

“Good morning,” Seungmin mouths into Chan’s bare shoulder.

“Seungmin,” Chan releases a heavy breath, shivering. “I think we need to talk.”

His throat feels dry upon looking up. Seungmin has mentioned before that a barefaced Chan under the morning light is a sight to see, but seeing Chan dappled in sunlight while Seungmin’s wrapped in the elder’s arm? Seungmin thinks _perfection_. Chan’s eyes are dark, despite the fact that the sun is shining on them. His gaze feels electric, and Seungmin finds that he doesn’t mind being struck by the bolts of Zeus.

Which is why he leans up and kisses Chan on the corner of his lips. It’s quick and chaste, the type of kiss that feels dry and experimental. The elder doesn’t seem fazed, perhaps a little bit surprised but nothing more than that.

“What was that for?” Chan asks softly.

“For helping me not be lonely these last few weeks,” Seungmin answers, surprised at how composed his voice sounds.

Chan doesn’t reply. Instead, he reaches down and kisses Seungmin back, this time with even more vigor. They don’t use tongues, but Seungmin prefers it that way, content in simply connecting lips and feeling the warmth emanating from each other’s skin. When they break apart, Seungmin’s brain short-circuits. It seems Chan’s kisses are not good for the wirings in Seungmin’s brain.

“What was that one for?” Seungmin parrots back at him.

“For doing the same for me,” Chan admits, sunlight reflected in his beaming smile. Seungmin groans and buries his face into Chan, arms and legs feeling exhilaratingly boneless at the moment. “Wh- Seungmin, did I say something wrong?”

Seungmin shakes his head from where it’s settled, Chan suppressing his giggles surely from how the action tickles his bare skin. Seungmin mumbles something into Chan’s person, and the younger knows the elder must’ve had no way of understanding it.

“I can’t hear you,” Chan comments. Swallowing, Seungmin surfaces back up and rests his chin on Chan’s chest before pouting at him. The older boy looks at him smugly (and with a little bit of affection).

“I said ‘You said nothing wrong,’” Seungmin confesses. And then they’re just staring at each other, letting the silence of the morning and the warmth of the morning sun envelop them in a gentle bubble. The bubble bursts, however, when someone makes a noise of exasperation from somewhere below.

“Can’t even get a decent sleep around here,” Minho grumbles, hauling his pillow and blanket presumably to sleep in another room or on the couch. Seungmin and Chan exchange a glance before they erupt in quiet laughter. Minho has such an unorthodox way of saying he’s giving them some privacy.

Even though the laughter subsides, the giddiness lingers.

“Do you think Hyunjin is down there too?” Chan asks and points at the bottom bunk from across the room.

Seungmin shrugs. “If he is, he doesn’t wake easily.”

Chan nods, and Seungmin feels the almost imperceptible tightening of Chan’s arms on his body. Seungmin likes the security it offers and lets himself be wrapped by the safety of it. It’s with this thought that Seungmin finally admits to himself the emotion he refused to name but knew he harbored for Chan. Why exactly Chan’s touches make him feel flushed. And why his mere presence gets him dizzy and burns him hot. Seungmin knows the answer.

“I don’t want our little thing to stop,” Seungmin begins, throat feeling raw from the heaviness of his words. “Our midnight snacking time, or whatever you want to call it. It’s one of the things I look forward to, getting to eat dinner and spend time with you, with our sides right up against each other. I like how we cuddle and talk after. It makes me feel warm and mushy inside. And along the road, I realized that I think I like you more than a member should like their leader.” A gulp. “And I hope that’s okay.”

Chan coughs and pushes Seungmin’s hair out of his eyes. His dimples truly are a work of art. “That’s more than okay. I’m actually relieved because I thought I was going crazy thinking it was just me who wanted it.”

Seungmin’s lips twitch, surely wanting to form into a smile. “So should we date?”

Chan grins, and Seungmin can tell how he’s struggling to contain himself right now. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“I guess not,” Seungmin bites his lip. This wasn’t the response he was hoping to get from the elder, but still, he’s positive that Chan has also played around with this idea. “But I want to. I mean, I guess it could really put a hamper on the group’s dynamics should we ever not work out, but in our defense, I think being the two most mature members, we should be able to handle it, right?”

Seungmin could almost hear the gears grinding in Chan’s head. His eyes flit all over Seungmin’s face, as if memorizing the characteristics of it. Seungmin feels like under a microscope from such an imploring yet analytic look. To finish his point, Seungmin adds, “And I really like you. You make me feel valuable.”

“You’re willing to go against the contract?” Chan inquires, using his leader voice.

“The contract only says that we’re not allowed to _reveal_ we’re dating or reveal _who_ we’re dating,” Seungmin frowns and shrugs. “I just want to date you. Sue me.”

“Seungmin the Rebel. I like it,” Chan repeats from all those nights ago. He puts that attractive, crooked smile on full display. “Okay, let’s date-“

Seungmin swoops down and captures Chan’s lips in a kiss as soon as the words leave his mouth, the elder’s hand coming up to cup Seungmin’s cheek.

“But there’ll be rules,” Chan manages when Seungmin comes up for a second before diving back down. He doesn’t care for rules, just wants Chan and voices it so.

“That’s fine,” Seungmin slips in between breaths. “Want you.”

Later when their lips feel too chapped from making out and Chan’s half-naked body feels too warm from cuddling, the two of them separate and make themselves presentable before walking out to eat breakfast with the others.

Everyone is already situated in their seats, the last two spots empty and right next to each other. Seungmin narrows his eyes at all of them, wonders if Minho has told them about whatever he heard in the room when he was still there. Instead, Seungmin finds their nonchalance and lack of reaction believable when he surveys each of their expressions.

As soon as they take their seats, Chan’s non-dominant hand immediately takes shelter on top Seungmin’s thigh. Seungmin’s about to take his first bite when Jisung glances at Minho before staring intently at Seungmin and Chan to break the silence.

“Did you know _wolves_ and _dogs_ are interfertile?” He asks, glancing between Chan and Seungmin. “Which means when they _mate_ , they can produce viable offspring.”

Chan immediately goes for Minho as Seungmin reaches over and almost chokes Jisung.

“I’m just teasing,” Jisung screams, fighting off Seungmin’s advances but failing. “Not the face! Anything but the face!”

Later in the night, Seungmin and Chan both make midnight snacks and eat before they go up to Chan’s bunk and cuddle. As usual, Chan is shirtless, but that’s okay. Seungmin can say honestly that it’s warmer that way.

“Goodnight,” Chan says in the dark as Seungmin’s arms snake around the leader’s torso. The older boy pecks Seungmin on top of the head, and Seungmin must admit that it makes him feel nice and comfortable. Chan pulls him closer, as if that was even possible, and breathes him in. Seungmin does the same and revels in the minty, citrusy scent wafting around Chan and smiles to himself.

“The night is good, indeed.”

When Seungmin wakes up the next day, he feels like the black plague. He’s harboring a powerful flu that feels strong enough to take him out of the schedule for almost a week.

That’s okay though. He has his boyfriend-hyung to take care of him.

**Author's Note:**

> Gah, thank you for finishing this. I hope this work was good enough to be in the SeungChan tag. This rare pair truly deserves some quality fics out there. I hope y'all liked it!
> 
> Tell me what you thought! Kudos and Comments are very, very, very much appreciated.
> 
> Follow my Twitter: @[seungminhot](https://twitter.com/seungminhot) :D
> 
> The quote in the beginning is actually the ending couplet from one the poems I made in college! It was a sonnet about seasonal depression.


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